Disclaimer: This is not a happy post, this is not a very good update on life. This, is emotions, pure and simple. If you don’t want to hear those, stop right now. You will learn something about me, and I cant promise its something you’ll want to. But, I needed to get this out.
The last 30 days of my life have probably been the most trying and difficult 30 days I’ve ever been through. And I’d like to think I’ve been pretty tough, and been through my fair share of shit over my 29 years of life. But hands down, most difficult 30 days.
Two months ago, if you had asked me how my life was, I would have told you it was good. I would have told you that I had a great job that I really enjoyed, a family that loved me and I loved them, that I really couldnt ask for much more. I had an apartment I loved being in, in a city I loved. With all the furnishings in the house I could ever want, and the money and stability to change it if I needed/wanted to. And I would have told you that I had a wonderful partner to be spending it all with. That Life was generally… Good.
In the back of my mind, I would have been thinking about the depression that has been slowly setting in for years, and the slowly forgetting what makes me, well, me. I would have thought about how I do love my partner, and I do really like being with him, but that it wasn’t the story book romance I had always wanted. I would have thought about how I have a job I like and enjoy doing and the people I work with, but that it wasn’t fulfilling in any sense of the word. But, I would rationalize all of this away, with telling myself that those things just are in movies and books. Its not real life, this is real life. I don’t hate what I have, I don’t want to leave it all behind, because it is good…. and that all those pipe dreams I had for things was just that. Pipe Dreams. It wasn’t real.
That was two months ago. Amazing how your life can be completely uprooted and get thrown into the blender so quickly.
My partner that I have been with for ten years, that I have given my everything to, my love, my time, my energy, my passion, my life, threw the biggest curve ball I had ever seen at me. He told me that he felt we needed to end us, we needed to put a stop to us. That he couldn’t go on knowing how unhappy this relationship was making me. That he didn’t feel it was fair for him to continue expecting me to just give up on everything I really wanted and settle for what I had. He told me that my depression, and my unhappiness with life, was causing him so much pain and distress, that he wasn’t sure he could do it any more. But that he was going to put the ball in my court, for me to decide how we were going to go on.
Those words that he spoke to me, were probably the most awakening things I have ever heard. I went to bed that night and got maybe 10 mins of sleep, because I was thinking about more then I ever have before. I wanted things to be better, I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to improve my quality of life, and not just material and comfort, but also actually living life for a change, not just being a bystandard in it. And while I laid there and thought about it all, I thought about how I wanted those things, with my partner standing right by my side. Pushing me, helping me, to be better, for him. i realized in that moment, that if I continued down the path I was going, I was going to loose everything I had. And the thought of that crushed me. I liked what I had, I didn’t want to leave it, I didn’t want to walk away from it. I didn’t want to give any of it up… I just wanted to make it better. And that meant changing things, that meant working harder to make the most out of life.
When I got up in the morning, dispite 10 mins of sleep, I was more awake, and ready to start my day, then ever before. I couldn’t wait to get up, and get going. I wanted to start right then and there with making life better. However, I noticed something strange with my partner. He was distant, he was removed, he was … not there. I attributed this to the conversation we had had the night before, and that there was more we needed to discuss and work through. Including all these new ambitions I had for life. So, we got ready for work, and left for the day.
Over the next 3.5 days, there wasn’t really a moment where we got to talk. To continue the conversation we had the night before all this. Life just got in the way. However, my partner of ten years had stoped saying I love you. He had not said it once in those 4 days in fact. When I tried to cuddle up to him in bed one night, he just rolled away from me. He was no longer looking at me, no longer in this relationship. He had already checked out. I felt as if someone had just dropped a thousand ton weight on my heart. I realized that I had already lost him. I had already driven him away. I had already made life too miserable for both of us, that he was just done.
I confronted him on this, probably with ill timing (3 hours before our company holiday party). But I couldn’t hold it in any more, I would wait any longer. I needed to know what was happening. I needed to understand. And the answer I got was what I was afraid I was going to hear. He was done. The relationship was done. That we were over. I had come to grips with this. I had understood that it was all true, and was really the right thing to do. I had enough time to think that through in my head to know he wasn’t wrong. Its just not what I wanted to hear, nor what my heart wanted.
The next three weeks proved to be what was difficult. Not even those first few days. In the corse of 21 days, I found out that my partner of ten years had suddenly found happiness in someone else. That he was going to pursue a relationship with this person, because it made him happy. And that person, was the guy I sat 5 feet from at work, that I was training to do my job. The guy that both of us had found attractive 3 months earlier.
I was told that this was all something that came about since the holiday party. That it wasn’t something that had any play in what brought him, or us, to the conclusion that we needed to split. And, to an extent, I believed it. I wanted to trust him, I had for ten years. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and believe that it was all circumstantial. I had doubts, I had questions… but I trusted him.
So now you fast forward to today. My now ex-partner of ten years, is in the other room, sleeping with his new found love, cuddling up to him and watching movies in bed, and spending the day with each other in the room that my ex-partner and I once called ours. Once being only 3 weeks ago. Spending the day in pj pants and just lounging with each other. All the while, I am sitting in the room not 50 feet away, with more mixed emotions then I have ever had in my life. So many conflicting, unclear, feelings.
I’ve been able to put on a face, and convince almost everyone that things are again good, and are improving every day, and are on the path it needs to be on. When in reality, I sit here in my room, feeling that there is so much hurt, pain, and suffering. So much loneliness, sadness and sorrow. But then there are other moments I sit here, and I think about the possibilities and hope that I have now that things will be better. And that eagerness to find happiness.
I’ve started to understand these feelings over these passing weeks. I have come to realize what some of them mean, and why they are there. I have been coming to the conclusion that this is what I needed. This is my saving grace, and is my answer to my unhappiness. But while knowing all that, my heart is still yearning for that person I have loved for all these years, that I gave so much of my time and love to. My heart is telling me that this is not the right thing. But I know giving it time will heal that. It will make that better and slowly my heart will realize that what my head is telling it, is truth. That my heart can now find love and happiness that it never knew existed.
However, this situation, this, living arrangement, and this new love, make it so that I dont have time to heal that. I dont have the time to let my heart catch up. I dont have that ability. Especially when I am having to sit by and watch my ex-partner giving his love and affection that was once for me, to someone else. Again, that once being 30 days ago. Even though my heart may be longing for him, may be wanting him back, he is already giving his to someone else. As a result, I simply do not have time to let my heart heal and catch up.
In this very short amount of time, against my better judgment, and against what it is I feel my heart wants, regardless of what my mind thinks/knows, I have had to completely redefine what life was for me.
I was told that If I want my ex still in my life, which he would like to think we can be best friends, I needed to become okay with his new love. And while he would be respectful of my needs/wants, he was going to do things that I wasn’t going to want, and that I just needed to be okay with it. I would like to think that in the course of this 30 days, I’ve done pretty damn good at adjusting. At this point, him and his new love are spending nights in our room, they are having sexual interactions in what was my bed, he is using the shower and bathroom that was once where I groomed, he’s riding in my car, and going to dinner and sitting in the spot I have for ten years, beside my now ex-partner. All of this I have not really been okay with. When I am honest with myself, my heart isn’t anywhere close to okay with this. But, what choice do I have? I dont want to loose what could potentially be my best friend in life, I dont want to give up what I have built over the last ten years. I just have to stuff any hurt or lonely feels down, and pretend they are not there.
I know he has been trying to be respectful of me. I know he has been trying to help me adjust to this. But he seems to forget that I still love him, I still yearn for him and his love. He seems to think that because he no longer has those feelings for me, I won’t have them for him.
Today, what sparked this post …. for the first time since we split, I am finding it impossible to believe. I had believed him, I had wanted to trust that he wouldn’t hurt me, that he really truly did have my best interests in his mind and heart. But today, there was no consideration given to me. No care or second thoughts given to me.
Again, against better judgments, I have agreed to let this new love stay in our house, spend the weekends here with my ex. The agreement was that this was not something I wanted, that it was not something I was completely okay with, but it was something that I understood he needed. It was something I was willing to give on, because I knew how important it was to him. Since that agreement, the new love has spent one night here that I was asked if was okay, a second night that I wasn’t told he was here until he was already on his way. A third night that I was told is now an open invitation for him to stay any Friday nights, and a fourth night, following the third, that I wasn’t informed about at all. Until I inquired.
I tried to be reasonable, and understanding, and allowing of something I was not okay with, because I trusted he had my best interests in mind. He was not wanting to hurt me, and cause me any more hurt or sorrow. But in this case, the give an inch take a mile has shown me that it wasn’t as I had thought.
This new love, has now been in my house for the last 28 hours, and will be here for a minimum of the next 16 hours. Minimum. Thats saying they are up by 11 am and leaving the house. I expressed to my ex after the first night, that it caused me great anxiety that I couldn’t control, that it caused me to react in a way that I was not comfortable with. I expressed that I was going to work on it, that I would try and improve it, for him. But having him here two nights in a row, without talking to me about it and just assuming it was okay, was a complete disregard for the feelings I expressed I felt. That I explained I was going to work on, not be completely over the next time it happened, a week later. I explained that my heart still yearned for him, but I knew this was best, so its what I wanted us to achieve. I asked him to understand that is still going to happen, and that I would attempt to make him unaware of it.
Tonight, I feel as though any trust I had that he had my best interests in mind, that he truly just wanted to see me happy again, that he was doing all of this, because it was going to be better for me in the long run, has vanished. I realized I am just an idiot. And have been played as one for much longer then I probably would like to know.
I am not sure how I feel about that yet, but, I can tell you its going to change my views on how my home life is. My ex will be just that, my ex. He will be living with me until one of us finds the solution to us not living together. I refuse to be played as a fool any more in my life. I refuse to give in, and not stand up for what I believe in and feel. I refuse to give up this opportunity I have to find out who I really am, and who I want to be. And allowing things like this at home to continue to bother me. It is not worth the hurt, pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety and stress, that it is going to continue to cause me, it is not worth loosing this opportunity to improve all of that, just to have my ex-partner of ten years become my best friend, just to play me as a idiot.
Tomorrows a new day. Tomorrow starts something different. I don’t know what, but I do know its only going to involve the people that care about me, that enjoy me for me, and that make me happy. Tomorrow… is when my life begins.
Time is just flying past. I am amazed at the rate in which this year is passing. I guess the statement “the older you get, the faster it goes” is very true.
Work has been going very well. I think I’ve finally gotten to a point where I know 99% of the things there are to know for CS at Tapjoy. Its taken some time, and then with our team loosing two people, it really helped. We had Han, whom was fired due to poor proformance. He started the same day I did, but loosing him really made no impact on the team, besides it was 6 and now we are down to 5.
Then Krithi let everyone know that she is leaving CS to go to another team. Which is GREAT for her. Not so great for the rest of us. She has been with the company for 4 years, and for a company of this size and age, 4 years is a huge accomplishment, and a lot of time to watch the company change and grow, and be able to learn along with it. So the down side to hear going to another team, is we loose alot of the knowledge that she has. Shes been trying to get it out to all of us over the past two weeks, but there is no way its everything. Guess when things come up, we will just have to figure it out then. Good thing is she will only be siting 100 feet away from us most of the time. But with loosing her, that brings our team down to 4, which means even more work for the rest of us.
Harrison, someone that I started with and worked at Citrix with, is going to be joining our team pretty soon. We few him out here to have an interview with the team. So he will be joining us as Krithi’s back fill. I have good faith in his ability’s, but it will still be a bit before he is ramped up and able to help take work load off the rest of us.
So thats the work from. Home has been entertaining. Chris and I are slowly looking at all the places we can to see where it is we would want to live when our lease is up. We went to the north side of Golden Gate. Like Sausalito, Larkspur, and San Rafael. I really liked the area, its quiet, calm, mostly a beach community, but with no beach. And much cooler then the East Bay as its a peninsula on the ocean. We have also looked at a bunch of places in the City (San Fran) also. Both of us think it would be kinda neat to live in downtown and just experience that kind of life.
Also, we have recently made a new friend, Jordon. Even though we only spent a few hours with the kid (and yes, I say kid because hes 9 years younger then me), we seemed to really hit it off. His sarcastic nature fits in perfectly with Chris and I’s, and we seem to have a lot of the same interests. The poor guy however, has been having a hell of a time since he moved to the bay area at finding stable housing. Im not sure the story behind that, but Chris and I have opened up our spare room to the guy. Both of us felt a good vibe from him, and figured we have all been in the shoes he is in. I went through it ten years ago, Chris some time before that. Where you are trying so hard to make a go at life, and to get ahead and become self sufficient I was unable to do any of that until Kurt and Chris came into my life. Chris and I both feel that since we are comfortable with this guy, to give him an opportunity that we wish someone had given us. So he will be moving in on Sunday. I have opted to work from home Monday, just so that hes not spending his first day alone in our house. I have a good feeling about this. And it will be really nice to have a friend. Would be one of the first new friends I have had in years, that are not co-workers that i dont mind being around.
So I’m pretty sure thats it, nothing else really new or exciting here. So… Til next time
- Current Mood: energetic
- Current Music:Beautify Dirty Rich ~ Lady GaGa
Its amazing to me how quickly life moves. It feels like just a few weeks ago it was Christmas, and a few weeks before that when we moved to San Fran. Truth is, it was almost 5 months ago it was Christmas, and 8 months ago we moved here. And surprisingly, for 8 months time, I dont feel like much was done. A lot has happened, but not much actually done.
Since my last update, Chris and I went to Wisconsin for a week. It was nice spending time with my mom and seeing my other family members. Also makes me very grateful for what I have.
Growing up wasn’t easy for me. My family was always just a few steps below poverty, and most of them are still living that way, if not worse off now. Like having a cell phone with a small bucket of minutes for the whole family to share from, having the slowest internet speeds because thats all that can be afforded, buying store brand foods not because they taste better, but because they are cheaper, or only putting $20 worth of gas in your car and praying that lasts you til next paycheck because you dont have any more money til then. I dont think I ever really thought about how lucky I was until seeing those kind of things.
In my day to day life, I have a cell phone plan with as many minutes and data and texts I could ever need. In fact, just yesterday I got a text telling me we have used 50% of our data plan this month (and its over in 3 days), and thats the first time we have gotten that notification in over a year since we got this plan. I have cable TV with every channel one could ever want, and we rarely watch TV. We have an internet connection with the highest speeds available and we dont ever utilize it to its full extent. I have a BMW with a couple hundred dollar payment a month, for a car that I have put 3,000 miles on in the 8 months we have lived in CA. I pay $5.40 every morning for a cup of Starbucks.
This doesn’t mean that I dont do things to watch my spending, like buying clothes online or at outlet stores when they are on sale, or going to a gas station where I get money off per gallon when I go grocery shopping, or buying soda in bulk when its on sale. I do these things on a daily basis, but I still am comfortable, and dont really need to make sacrifies for the things I need, or the things I want for that matter.
While Chris and I were in WI, we realized we had left our camera at home and wouldn’t be able to take any pictures while we were there. We just happened to be near a Best Buy when we realized this, so we stopped in, and bought a new $100 point and shoot. Even though at home we have a $500 Digital SLR. Then I turn around and see my mom at the grocery store buying Roundy’s brand mac and cheese because its 40 cents cheaper then Kraft. May taste worse, but it saves her money. And when your trying to make it on less then 1.5k each month, 40 cents saved is 40 cents you can use on something else thats needed.
My spending habits haven’t changed, and I doubt they will. But I did suddenly have a greater appreciation for the luxuries and the amenities that I have in my life. I also felt a bit guilty. I have all this, and my family, the ones that raised me and supported me for so many years, are struggling to put dinner on the table. I know I have worked hard to get where I am at, and I know that I deserve what it is I am getting…. but that didn’t change this feeling of guilt.
- Current Mood: thankful
- Current Music:Dont Know Why ~ Norah Jones
So it has been months since I updated this thing. A lot happening, and not much thought put into this sadly. Time to change that again.
As I stated last time, along with this move a new job was started. It took some time to adjust, as with any new job. But I am amazed at how having a job that you can take pride in changes the stress you experience. My day to day is pretty basic, sending things to our partners to be verified or helping a customer with a technical issue they are having. Not having to be on the phone with people all day, and being able to take the time and really think about what it is I am writing or doing is nice. Instead of going through 4 steps that I know are wrong with the customer just so there is no “um… umm….” until I come up with the 5th idea that is right, I can just think it through, and relay the correct information to the customer. Yea, both situations you have upset customers, and ones that are vulgar, but not having to listen to them scream that in your hear is a nice relief. The “take it with a grain of salt” idea is a lot easier when you dont have to respond to the customer instantly like you do while on the phone.
Also the group of people I work with are awesome. Each have their own unique positives and flaws, but thats what makes us human. Its been nice to have some social interaction. For a long time, it’s just been me, or me and Chris, or me and Chris and his family. Which don’t get me wrong, I love them all…. but its still nice to get out with someone who is not related. And this group at the office definitely provides some entertainment. We have “Wine Thursdays” where everyone on the team has a drink. The starting time of this drinking is somewhere between 2:30 and 4:00 depending on the overall feeling of the day. Granted, we have gotten away from wine quiet as much as you have people like me on the team that don’t care for the tastes of wine, but it still fun to refer to it as that. And the reason its done on Thursdays, is because we all have the luxury of working from home on Friday’s.
Let me tell you, working in the office Monday – Thursday’s makes it feel like a real, full time job, but working from home on Friday’s makes it feel like I have a three day weekend every week. Even though we all average 55+ hours of work a week, the time spent doing it from home is relaxing, done at my own pace, and can be done while doing other stupid things like listening to music, watching a movie for the 50th time, or what have you. It’s very nice, and also keeps the stress levels down.
That brings me to another point. At my last job, 15 minutes into my shift, I was counting down the hours time I got done for the day. 40 hours a week seemed like it took all my energy. This job, not so much. I get into the office around 9am, and before I know it, it’s 3 in the afternoon already. Its very nice.
So now that I rambled about work forever, how about the personal life? I am really liking living in the Bay Area. It’s a much different atmosphere and not quiet the one I was expecting. Everyone here has the attitude “I want it done yesterday”, but that statement is follow up with, “but if you don’t get to it til tomorrow, that’s okay”.
Chris and I’s over all quality of life has greatly improved. Although, the place we chose to live, neither of us are happy with. It looks amazing from the outside, and when the place is empty, and they show you the “remodeled” unit, it looks great inside too. But then you get there, and they show you your unit, it’s only “partially remodeled”, and the actual “remodeled” units are for sale as condos, not for rent (not explained to you until after you signed your lease and paid deposits). The walls are so thin we can hear our neighbors snore at night, and it constantly sounds like they are bowling or something in their bedrooms all day. Management is bitchy, and looking for any excuse to charge you a fee for something (ie: $125 fee if your trash can lid isnt fully closed).
Aside from the unit, we are also not able to have pets. We knew this when moving in, but I don’t think either of us realized how difficult it was going to be not having our pets. I miss Chey Chey so much. Having that tub of love around just makes life easier. I look forward to the end of our lease where we can find a home that we can have her.
Another plus about living here, is a tank of gas lasts me close to a month in my car. Taking public transit (BART) everywhere is so convenient and cost effective. Not having to drive in all this traffic, or deal with toll ways and shitty drivers, being able to sit and relax and not think about anything while getting where your going, and not needing to pay the outragous costs of parking in the city is a major plus.
For now, that is the end of my tangents. Next week Chris and I go back to Wisconsin which has a foot of snow on the ground now, and getting more tonight. I’m sure that will give me more to rant about
Til next time!
- Current Mood: indifferent
- Current Music:Hanging By A Moment ~ Life House
So with this move and fresh start on life, I have also decided it was time to do something with my career. For years I have felt stuck in a rut and not going anywhere quickly, and recently this feeling has only been getting worse. While most of that is the company I work for, some of that is my own doing. I took on this job 4 years ago with a “promise” that within 6 months they would be trying to get me into their graphic design team. That promise ended up being a pipe dream, which is something I realized early on in the job. So working with this company, has become nothing but a job that pays the bills. And after awhile, that gets old.
I had every intention on getting out into the job market and putting myself out there to see if anyone took the bait once we got here to San Fran. There is a lot more opportunity for someone in my field here then there is in Phoenix However, I never expected an opportunity to come along not even two weeks after moving to the bay area.
The new job I am taking on is still doing customer support, but in a much different capacity, and hopefully much less stressful scenario However, the company itself is still small and growing by the day. Right now, their Graphics Design/Web team consists of one person who has very limited knowledge and is always looking for help from coworkers.
So the job I am being hired for may not be in the field I want, but with the company being as small as it is, I will get the opportunity to prove my worth in other areas as everyone is needed to chip in everywhere when needed right now. This could ultimately lead to something more for me. But… in the mean time, the change in my role will be good for me. Hopefully I don’t leave work stressed every day, and I don’t wake up asking one of my dogs to go to work for me every morning. Besides, I get to have a cool 40 min BART (subway/train) ride to and from work each day. Talk about an awesome time to spend reading, waking up, unwinding, blogging, whatever. Its 40 mins each way where I don’t have to think about a damn thing, and I don’t have to worry about other idiot drivers on the road!!
With this job change, this move, this new city, and all the other new experiences that are going to take place, I think its time to close one chapter of life, and open another. Hopefully with this one comes lots of personal growth, and gain!
- Current Mood: energetic
- Current Music:Just One of Those Things ~ Frank Sinatra
We moved into our new place on Friday … By the end of the day Saturday, we found out that services we were paying for with Comcast did not work. After speaking with four different reps, and getting for different answers, and being transferred back to the call tree a few time, we were to say the least, very pissed off.
We had purchased multiple IPs with them so we could segregate my work computer from our home computer network. However, come to find out after over an hour on the phone with them, that the install technician had installed a modem for us which doesn’t support that. But trying to find someone at Comcast that even understood what Multiple IP addresses was was like pulling teeth in and of itself.
So Sunday Chris went to the Comcast store here in town and exchanged the modem for the correct one that we should have had from the beginning. He got home, plugged it in, set up our network, and away we went.
Then that night we were laying in bed watching tv and realized that we had a really shitty picture. Noticed we were not on an HD channel, so we switched to one. On the screen was displayed a message that you have not subscribed to this service and to call customer service. On our order paperwork it showed all tvs in the house should have HD services.
Once more, we called Comcast and went round and round in circles to find out that the cable box that was installed in the bedroom doesn’t support HD but we are in fact paying for the service. Once again, we had to go to the Comcast store the next day to switch out yet another incorrectly installed device.
However, this isn’t where it ends. Before leaving for the store the following morning, we discovered that the box in the living room doesn’t have the DVR service available, which we also are paying for. Yet another call to Comcast’s horrific customer service later, we find out that the device installed in the living room was the wrong one as well. So now the install tech is 0 for 3, and we had to pay to have services installed.
I am not sure that ever in my life have I had service for three days and been more disappointed with a company. The reps on the phone had no clue what they were talking about, and kept transferring us in circles, the install tech didn’t do a damn thing right, and a manager argued with us that support documentation was available online yet he couldn’t find it anywhere. The whole process was a pain in the ass and no customer should have to go through that, much less a NEW customer that doesn’t have prior experience with the company to base opinions on.
Thankfully the guy in the Comcast store was able to get it all sorted and now we have had 24 hours with the correct services and no problems. Keep out figures crossed. However, I’m sure they will fuck it all up again soon.
- Current Mood: bored
- Current Music:Stupid Customers at Work
So we have now packed, had vacation, moved, and started unpacking. It’s been a crazy two weeks. Had to believe that’s all it’s been.
Ten days ago Chris and I traveled to Disney. It’s the first vacation him and I have ever really had where it was just us. Usually it’s to somewhere either with someone or to see someone. Yes, we saw and spent time with Jeff while in Orlando, but it was still our vacation. He got us into the parks, did a few things with us each day, and then left us to our own devices the rest of the time.
I can’t speak for Chris, but I really enjoyed Disney. It wasn’t my favorite part of the trip, but it was a lot of fun anyways. We did the four major parks, Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Hollywood Studios and Animal Kingdom. There were parts to each that were may favorite. Although Animal Kingdom felt more like just a big zoo then anything else.
My favorite part of the trip was the last three days. We casually spent them relaxing, going to the beach a few times, checked out the Daytona International Speedway, spent some time with my Aunt and Uncle, and also relaxed a lot in the in-suite jacuzzi tub we had. It was very nice. And New Symrna Beach was just as pretty as I remembered it being. We had a really good time I thought.
Then the night we got home, we got back to my apartment about 11pm and crashed. It was by 11am the next morning we were loading my apartment and Chris’ stuff into the moving trailer. That took almost all day, and I had to work that night. But as far as my stuff was concerned, that day went very smoothly.
Then the next morning, about 3 am, Chris left to start the drive to Concord, and I stayed behind to finish cleaning my apartment, and get the last of the stuff in my car. I was supposed to work Thursday night, but Cox thought it would be a good idea to disconnect my services a few days early, so then that got a bit screwed. Oh well, got me an early start on the drive here.
I ended up leaving for CA about 1am that morning. Let me tell you, that’s a long drive, but at least I made it to north of L.A. before day break and much traffic. There was more damage to my car done then I wanted on this trip though. I am now badly in need of an oil change, I have a flat tire, and I thought it would be fun to hit a big chunk of tire while driving at 80 miles an hour which left a nice dent in my front bumper. All and all through it was a good drive.
Got to the new apartment right about noon on Friday. Gave me the afternoon to try and relax and unwind and get food and other basic necessities. The real unpacking didn’t start until yesterday.
When the moving helpers where here, all they really did was unload the entire 24′ tuck into the dining and living room, so when I walked it, it was nothing but wall to wall boxes downstairs. Yesterday we went though those boxes and divided them up among the rooms they needed to go to. That was a large task. I also unpacked most of the kitchen and set up my two offices. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, still have no dining room, and the living room is less then to be desired, but a lot of progress was made.
Today was basically a take it easy kind of day. Chris had dinner with his dad while I relaxed and took a nap before having to start back to work this evening. For the first time after a move, I don’t feel completely wiped out and exhausted. I’m sure over the next few days/weeks we can get to a point where none of this feels overwhelming and becomes a manageable task with the stress and anxiety over moving as a distant memory.
I am really happy with our new place, and don’t expect it to take very long to begin feeling like home.
- Current Mood: relieved
- Current Music:Mirror in the Bathroom ~ The Beat
Today we finally got the approval on the apartment. We now officially have a place to move to in 14 days. I felt bad calling the complex and asking for updates, but now that it’s finally good to go, I can begin to breath a little easier. We also set up all of our utilities today so that’s also all taken care of. Now I just need to spend some time tomorrow canceling all my utilities here, setting up mail forwarding, letting some people know the new address and then finish packing. Only have 6 days til our vacation to Disney World!!!
I’m actually starting to get excited about the vacation again. For the past three weeks I haven’t been able to relax enough to get excited or even think about our trip for that matter. Amazing how quickly life can move sometimes. But, in the end it will all be worth it.
Our trip to Orlando will bring back lots of memories for me I’m sure. I haven’t been back there in 9 years now. I’ll get to show Chris the shit holes I lived in, the places I spend my stupid teen years after graduating, take him to my favorite beaches, and introduce him to my family that still lives there. I’ll also get to show him Disney World! I’ve never been to Disneyland but I know there is no comparison between the two. Disney World is so spread out and built up.
I’ve also had the pleasure of spending the day with a headache again. At least for the most part today it was just the dull roar I’ve grown accustom too. But hopefully with some of the stress relieved I’ll be able to shake the headache and not spend my weekend with it. I am however drained of all energy and ambition to do anything with my evening as a result of this two day headache.
On a different note, I have been messing around with Photoshop and Illustrator a lot again lately. The header image on the site here I drew using illustrator. I’m amazed sometimes at the talent I have. Not to sound big headed or full of myself. But I can draw, design, create, just about anything I set my mind too in those two applications. And the more comfortable I get with Illustrator the better the outcome of the designs are. The bridge, Golden Gate, that’s in the header image started as a rough sketch that I was going to make into something more, but just those few symbolic lines looked so cool to me, I left it at that. I can wait to get to a point where I have time again to finish making my site into a store and start trying to sell some of the work I create. Be it logos, websites, or just vector art. Hopefully it will prove to be a lucrative side job.
However, for now, I think it’s time to call it a night and try to get some sleep.
- Current Mood: drained
- Current Music:Girls Night Out - The Judd's
Today I woke up and not 30 seconds later, knew I was screwed for the day. I woke up with a pounding headache. I get some type of headache almost daily. I have for more years then I can count. In the last 5 or 6 years they have gotten progressively worse.
When I first started to get the bad ones, I figure it was due to my teeth. My teeth were so rotten and bad that there was tremendous amounts of pain. When the pain got bad, I got a headache. After awhile I just assumed one was because of the other.
Then I started to get my teeth fixed. After having 13 pulled, 3 cavities fixed, the periodontal disease under control, and 6 teeth rebuilt … I thought they would have gone away. And for a while, they did get better, and then they got worse.
And with the worse headaches, and no more mouth pain, I started to get the tension. To a point where it hurts to turn my neck, or raise my arm, or clench my fist. And again, one seems to be caused by another. The worse the tension gets, the worse the headache gets, the worse the headache gets, the worse the tension gets. And it’s not always the same one that starts it all.
Today though, like I said, 30 seconds after waking up, I knew I was in trouble today. If I wake up with a headache I know I’m going to have it all day. And it doesn’t matter what I do it isn’t going away. Most times when that happens, it’s just the constant dull roar I have learned to ignore. Other times like today, it hurts to open my eyes and see light, noises ring loudly in my head, a quiet conversation outside sounds like a screaming match in my head.
For the most part I know how to turn that screaming, pounding headache into a dull roar that I can deal with. But when the tension sets in, I know I’m in it for the long haul. Now today, I have been awake for 14 hours. And in that time, I have laid down in the dark with an ice pack on either my forehead or my neck and drifted off to some type of sleep … At least three times. Once before work, once on my break, and once on my lunch.
At least now this day is over and I can go to sleep and hopefully not wake up with it still tomorrow.
- Current Mood: crappy
- Current Music:Drinkin' Me Lonely - Chris Young
Still havent heard back from the apartment complex we put in our application with. Hopefully we do tomorrow so I can stop worrying about it and start to really plan this move. I still have to set up all my utilities to cancel, and my mail to forward, set up new utilities and all those other fun things, but cant do any of that til I know I have somewhere new to go. Oh well, it will happen in due time.
We are now down to only 10 days til our vacation to Disney World. I wish I was more excited about the trip, but with everything else thats been going on I havent had much of a chance to stop and get excited. We will be there for 6 days. 4 spent at Disney, and 2 spent further north where my family used to live and hang out. It will be nice to show all that area to Chris and show him around where I lived and things like that. Will also be nice to spend some time with Jeff when we get there.
I’m also waiting to hear back on a position I applied for at work. Its doing video training and video editing. Much better then the technical support job that I have now. It also hold normal people hours instead of working through half the night. Interviewed for it about three weeks back now and was told I’d hear something the second week of September, which is this week. Fingers crossed I got the job but I am not getting my hopes up. Would be very nice to be going into this move and new life with a new job also. Just a fresh clean start on everything.
I also posted the ad for Ike today online. Was a hard thing to do, but I know its for the best. Hopefully we find him a good home. Had one lady interested, but she didnt like that he hasnt been around kids and she has little ones. So that was a wash for now. But, its only been a few hours so we will see if there is anyone else interested.
Guess that’s it for now. Not much exciting happened today.
- Current Mood: bored
- Current Music:Two Princes - Spin Doctors