Disclaimer: This is not a happy post, this is not a very good update on life. This, is emotions, pure and simple. If you don’t want to hear those, stop right now. You will learn something about me, and I cant promise its something you’ll want to. But, I needed to get this out.
The last 30 days of my life have probably been the most trying and difficult 30 days I’ve ever been through. And I’d like to think I’ve been pretty tough, and been through my fair share of shit over my 29 years of life. But hands down, most difficult 30 days.
Two months ago, if you had asked me how my life was, I would have told you it was good. I would have told you that I had a great job that I really enjoyed, a family that loved me and I loved them, that I really couldnt ask for much more. I had an apartment I loved being in, in a city I loved. With all the furnishings in the house I could ever want, and the money and stability to change it if I needed/wanted to. And I would have told you that I had a wonderful partner to be spending it all with. That Life was generally… Good.
In the back of my mind, I would have been thinking about the depression that has been slowly setting in for years, and the slowly forgetting what makes me, well, me. I would have thought about how I do love my partner, and I do really like being with him, but that it wasn’t the story book romance I had always wanted. I would have thought about how I have a job I like and enjoy doing and the people I work with, but that it wasn’t fulfilling in any sense of the word. But, I would rationalize all of this away, with telling myself that those things just are in movies and books. Its not real life, this is real life. I don’t hate what I have, I don’t want to leave it all behind, because it is good…. and that all those pipe dreams I had for things was just that. Pipe Dreams. It wasn’t real.
That was two months ago. Amazing how your life can be completely uprooted and get thrown into the blender so quickly.
My partner that I have been with for ten years, that I have given my everything to, my love, my time, my energy, my passion, my life, threw the biggest curve ball I had ever seen at me. He told me that he felt we needed to end us, we needed to put a stop to us. That he couldn’t go on knowing how unhappy this relationship was making me. That he didn’t feel it was fair for him to continue expecting me to just give up on everything I really wanted and settle for what I had. He told me that my depression, and my unhappiness with life, was causing him so much pain and distress, that he wasn’t sure he could do it any more. But that he was going to put the ball in my court, for me to decide how we were going to go on.
Those words that he spoke to me, were probably the most awakening things I have ever heard. I went to bed that night and got maybe 10 mins of sleep, because I was thinking about more then I ever have before. I wanted things to be better, I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to improve my quality of life, and not just material and comfort, but also actually living life for a change, not just being a bystandard in it. And while I laid there and thought about it all, I thought about how I wanted those things, with my partner standing right by my side. Pushing me, helping me, to be better, for him. i realized in that moment, that if I continued down the path I was going, I was going to loose everything I had. And the thought of that crushed me. I liked what I had, I didn’t want to leave it, I didn’t want to walk away from it. I didn’t want to give any of it up… I just wanted to make it better. And that meant changing things, that meant working harder to make the most out of life.
When I got up in the morning, dispite 10 mins of sleep, I was more awake, and ready to start my day, then ever before. I couldn’t wait to get up, and get going. I wanted to start right then and there with making life better. However, I noticed something strange with my partner. He was distant, he was removed, he was … not there. I attributed this to the conversation we had had the night before, and that there was more we needed to discuss and work through. Including all these new ambitions I had for life. So, we got ready for work, and left for the day.
Over the next 3.5 days, there wasn’t really a moment where we got to talk. To continue the conversation we had the night before all this. Life just got in the way. However, my partner of ten years had stoped saying I love you. He had not said it once in those 4 days in fact. When I tried to cuddle up to him in bed one night, he just rolled away from me. He was no longer looking at me, no longer in this relationship. He had already checked out. I felt as if someone had just dropped a thousand ton weight on my heart. I realized that I had already lost him. I had already driven him away. I had already made life too miserable for both of us, that he was just done.
I confronted him on this, probably with ill timing (3 hours before our company holiday party). But I couldn’t hold it in any more, I would wait any longer. I needed to know what was happening. I needed to understand. And the answer I got was what I was afraid I was going to hear. He was done. The relationship was done. That we were over. I had come to grips with this. I had understood that it was all true, and was really the right thing to do. I had enough time to think that through in my head to know he wasn’t wrong. Its just not what I wanted to hear, nor what my heart wanted.
The next three weeks proved to be what was difficult. Not even those first few days. In the corse of 21 days, I found out that my partner of ten years had suddenly found happiness in someone else. That he was going to pursue a relationship with this person, because it made him happy. And that person, was the guy I sat 5 feet from at work, that I was training to do my job. The guy that both of us had found attractive 3 months earlier.
I was told that this was all something that came about since the holiday party. That it wasn’t something that had any play in what brought him, or us, to the conclusion that we needed to split. And, to an extent, I believed it. I wanted to trust him, I had for ten years. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and believe that it was all circumstantial. I had doubts, I had questions… but I trusted him.
So now you fast forward to today. My now ex-partner of ten years, is in the other room, sleeping with his new found love, cuddling up to him and watching movies in bed, and spending the day with each other in the room that my ex-partner and I once called ours. Once being only 3 weeks ago. Spending the day in pj pants and just lounging with each other. All the while, I am sitting in the room not 50 feet away, with more mixed emotions then I have ever had in my life. So many conflicting, unclear, feelings.
I’ve been able to put on a face, and convince almost everyone that things are again good, and are improving every day, and are on the path it needs to be on. When in reality, I sit here in my room, feeling that there is so much hurt, pain, and suffering. So much loneliness, sadness and sorrow. But then there are other moments I sit here, and I think about the possibilities and hope that I have now that things will be better. And that eagerness to find happiness.
I’ve started to understand these feelings over these passing weeks. I have come to realize what some of them mean, and why they are there. I have been coming to the conclusion that this is what I needed. This is my saving grace, and is my answer to my unhappiness. But while knowing all that, my heart is still yearning for that person I have loved for all these years, that I gave so much of my time and love to. My heart is telling me that this is not the right thing. But I know giving it time will heal that. It will make that better and slowly my heart will realize that what my head is telling it, is truth. That my heart can now find love and happiness that it never knew existed.
However, this situation, this, living arrangement, and this new love, make it so that I dont have time to heal that. I dont have the time to let my heart catch up. I dont have that ability. Especially when I am having to sit by and watch my ex-partner giving his love and affection that was once for me, to someone else. Again, that once being 30 days ago. Even though my heart may be longing for him, may be wanting him back, he is already giving his to someone else. As a result, I simply do not have time to let my heart heal and catch up.
In this very short amount of time, against my better judgment, and against what it is I feel my heart wants, regardless of what my mind thinks/knows, I have had to completely redefine what life was for me.
I was told that If I want my ex still in my life, which he would like to think we can be best friends, I needed to become okay with his new love. And while he would be respectful of my needs/wants, he was going to do things that I wasn’t going to want, and that I just needed to be okay with it. I would like to think that in the course of this 30 days, I’ve done pretty damn good at adjusting. At this point, him and his new love are spending nights in our room, they are having sexual interactions in what was my bed, he is using the shower and bathroom that was once where I groomed, he’s riding in my car, and going to dinner and sitting in the spot I have for ten years, beside my now ex-partner. All of this I have not really been okay with. When I am honest with myself, my heart isn’t anywhere close to okay with this. But, what choice do I have? I dont want to loose what could potentially be my best friend in life, I dont want to give up what I have built over the last ten years. I just have to stuff any hurt or lonely feels down, and pretend they are not there.
I know he has been trying to be respectful of me. I know he has been trying to help me adjust to this. But he seems to forget that I still love him, I still yearn for him and his love. He seems to think that because he no longer has those feelings for me, I won’t have them for him.
Today, what sparked this post …. for the first time since we split, I am finding it impossible to believe. I had believed him, I had wanted to trust that he wouldn’t hurt me, that he really truly did have my best interests in his mind and heart. But today, there was no consideration given to me. No care or second thoughts given to me.
Again, against better judgments, I have agreed to let this new love stay in our house, spend the weekends here with my ex. The agreement was that this was not something I wanted, that it was not something I was completely okay with, but it was something that I understood he needed. It was something I was willing to give on, because I knew how important it was to him. Since that agreement, the new love has spent one night here that I was asked if was okay, a second night that I wasn’t told he was here until he was already on his way. A third night that I was told is now an open invitation for him to stay any Friday nights, and a fourth night, following the third, that I wasn’t informed about at all. Until I inquired.
I tried to be reasonable, and understanding, and allowing of something I was not okay with, because I trusted he had my best interests in mind. He was not wanting to hurt me, and cause me any more hurt or sorrow. But in this case, the give an inch take a mile has shown me that it wasn’t as I had thought.
This new love, has now been in my house for the last 28 hours, and will be here for a minimum of the next 16 hours. Minimum. Thats saying they are up by 11 am and leaving the house. I expressed to my ex after the first night, that it caused me great anxiety that I couldn’t control, that it caused me to react in a way that I was not comfortable with. I expressed that I was going to work on it, that I would try and improve it, for him. But having him here two nights in a row, without talking to me about it and just assuming it was okay, was a complete disregard for the feelings I expressed I felt. That I explained I was going to work on, not be completely over the next time it happened, a week later. I explained that my heart still yearned for him, but I knew this was best, so its what I wanted us to achieve. I asked him to understand that is still going to happen, and that I would attempt to make him unaware of it.
Tonight, I feel as though any trust I had that he had my best interests in mind, that he truly just wanted to see me happy again, that he was doing all of this, because it was going to be better for me in the long run, has vanished. I realized I am just an idiot. And have been played as one for much longer then I probably would like to know.
I am not sure how I feel about that yet, but, I can tell you its going to change my views on how my home life is. My ex will be just that, my ex. He will be living with me until one of us finds the solution to us not living together. I refuse to be played as a fool any more in my life. I refuse to give in, and not stand up for what I believe in and feel. I refuse to give up this opportunity I have to find out who I really am, and who I want to be. And allowing things like this at home to continue to bother me. It is not worth the hurt, pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety and stress, that it is going to continue to cause me, it is not worth loosing this opportunity to improve all of that, just to have my ex-partner of ten years become my best friend, just to play me as a idiot.
Tomorrows a new day. Tomorrow starts something different. I don’t know what, but I do know its only going to involve the people that care about me, that enjoy me for me, and that make me happy. Tomorrow… is when my life begins.